Soap characters are not well versed in Socratic dialogue, and in the language of relationships, their clichés are hair-raisingly embarrassing. This week has been worse than most, and nowhere more so than in EastEnders, which was dominated by the will they/won't they marriage of Christian and Syed, an event that prompted an avalanche of clichés.
First, there was Danny, trying to persuade Syed not to go ahead with the nuptials: 'You're worth more than this,' he said (he's not – Syed is lucky that Christian deigns to breathe the same air as him). Masood also added his two cents: 'Love is about trust; you can't live on a life of lies.' Syed, going all Prince of Denmark on us, bore the expression of a man who made Hamlet look like the Laughing Policeman.
Danny, right, tried to persuade Syed, left, not to marry Christian in Eastenders
Over
in Emmerdale, there were two weddings and prize for top cliché-spouter
goes to Chas. 'You can't choose who you fall in love with...There are no
guarantees.' Ouch! While Dan reckoned: 'I'm gonna make you the 'appiest
woman alive.' Dropping dead before the ceremony would have done that,
mate.For the most part, Coronation Street puts words into the mouths of its characters that most people in real life would not have the wit to conjure up. With producer Phil Collinson leaving, let's hope that Emmerdale producer Stuart Blackburn, who is taking the helm, retains the show's linguistic integrity.
NO MORE CURRYING FAVOUR
Bailiffs cannot enter your property if the door is shut and nor can they push past you. I could spend this whole column detailing the errors in this week's storyline of the bailiffs at the Argee Bhajee, but it would be too boring. But I really wish soaps would do their research properly, especially regarding plots that might worry people affected by them.
But the Indian restaurant is no more, although having served roughly ten curries a year, it was hardly going to win an enterprise award. On Monday, the Masoods must adapt to their new financial hardship, as well as the absence of Zainab (why didn't she just tell Masood and his glittering burgundy frock where to get off?). And with Christian and Syed returning from their Paris honeymoon, is this the time for the family to pull together and help each other out?
Lola, centre, is forced to hand over baby Lexi to alcoholic smack-head Phil, left
It’s
Tamwar's birthday on Tuesday, and all he wants is for them to get on
and enjoy a quiet drink. Fat chance. Sure enough, when Masood enters the
pub and comes face to face with Syed, he sees red (which is more than
Syed can see with that mane growing around his face).Now, here's another bit of dodgy research. On Monday, Lola is excited about Lexi coming home, but she has to sign the consent forms, handing her daughter over to Phil's care (above). Hang on! Phil? Alcoholic, crack-head Phil? He thinks he might be in with a better chance of getting residency if he was in a stable relationship, but Sharon will not play ball.
But when he hears that Ben will now be sentenced for manslaughter, he thinks his son should marry Lola to make them look like a proper family. Really? So that's alcoholic, crack-head, stupid Phil, now. How would your husband being in the nick for turning a photo frame into a deadly weapon endear you to anyone other than Freddy Krueger?
CORONATION STREET
IT'S ALL GREEK TO ROY
With both Tracy and Michelle determined to utter Steve's name every time they open their mouths, it's small wonder Steve left the flat – even if, as he confesses to Lloyd on Monday, it is just a ruse to split up Ryan and Tracy. He starts to regret his actions when he sees Rob take Michelle to the Bistro to comfort her. Oh, Rob, is that wise? Haven't you noticed the common factor regarding the men in Michelle's life? Ex-husband (dead), younger brother (dead), older brother (dead). I'd start a funeral fund now.
In Coronation Street, Kevin Webster learns that young Sophie may never walk again
Steve
also persuades Ryan to propose, and when he goes down on one knee,
Tracy is horrified. But how will Michelle react when Steve confesses
all? On Wednesday, Ryan, convinced Michelle was in on Steve's plan,
heads for town with Sophie. But, high on drugs, he plays chicken on a
dual carriageway and when Sophie intervenes tragedy strikes.On Friday, Kevin and Sally learn that Sophie may never walk again. I have to confess that when this story first appeared, I misread it and thought it said Sophie may never talk again. I cracked open the champagne.
The fun at the café ends on Friday, when Roy returns to a chaotic Greek night, and now he faces the wrath of the licensing inspector, who believes that alcohol was being illegal sold.
Now, a bugbear of mine – Kirk take note: when talking to one person, the word is 'you'. Not yous. YOU, goddit? And, Mr Policeman (interviewing Audrey), it is not 'a matter of opinion' about carrying your passport in France. It is illegal not to carry ID!
EMMERDALE
THE KING IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE KING
Patriarch Tom was murdered by Carl, who now joins him, plus brothers Matthew and Max in the graveyard. Only Jimmy is left, and he has so far survived a stabbing, an explosion, a brick battering, a shooting – not to mention marriage to Nicola. It can only be a question of time...
On Monday, Cameron tries to persuade Chas to run away with him before Charity tells the whole pub about their affair, and on Tuesday life gets worse for Chas when she is questioned by the police. On Thursday, she is charged with murder – murder of a decent wedding dress, I hope. I wasn't sure whether she looked like the Addams' Family’s Morticia, Great Expectations' Miss Haversham, or Norman Bates's mum.
HOLLYOAKS
YET ANOTHER DR DEATH IN SOAPLAND
The funeral is a day of high emotion on Wednesday (above) when Jacqui spots Rhys's wandering eye and Darren's mouth gets him into trouble – although every time he opens it, it seems to do that. Cindy is dejected because she wants attention but wonders if Tony is the man to give it. How long has she been re-engaged? A week? If it didn't work the first time round, I don't hold out much hope for the re-match.
HOME & AWAY
HEATH PLAYS ANALYST, DON'T EXPECT FREUD
Bianca can't answer (no surprises there; give her some Play-Doh and tell her to mould a response), and this leaves Heath stressed both about his father's death and being a father himself. On Friday, they struggle with their newborn. See? Another drama.
NEIGHBOURS
PPP ENTERPRISES: THE PULLING POWER OF PAUL
The wardrobe department are clearly having a tough time – Lucas is on only his second leather jacket ever and, as with the first one, he seems to be never out of it. He may decide to celebrate with a new one on Thursday when, after a row with Rhys, who accuses her of ruining his life, Vanessa runs straight into Lucas’s arms – all supposing he can raise them, given their incarceration in the leather. Paul the predator kangaroo bounces towards another relationship on Tuesday, determined to win Priya (above). Be warned: he's never more than a hop, skip and jump away.